WHAT BECOMES A LEGEND MOST?

Right now I'm about half "look out Texas" posturing and half "what if they find out I use Cardio Dance Blast workout DVDs?". Oh, wait, the internet didn't know that I use Cardio Dance Blast DVDs, either. And now you do. But I don't care because Cardio Dance Blast is freaking fun, even if it is fraught with bizarrely racial tensions and a pinch too much "you go, girlfriend" snap snap.

Truly, I know that the secret to having authentic relationships with people (rather than unending plays in which I play the best version of myself and you play my secret love, estranged best friend, or worthy cohort, as fitting) is letting them know about the Cardio Dance Blast hidden at the back of the bookshelf. (The metaphorical bookshelf, I mean.) (But the Cardio Dance Blast isn't a metaphor. Oh no, that shit is real.) So this is why it's terrifying. I'm afraid that my poems told these people that I was a lot cooler than I am. I don't want to show up and hear them say, "Wait, you're the one who wrote 'Defacto Ballroom'? We thought you would be taller. And skinnier. And have some kind of trendy drug problem. Or something."

Clearly I have no idea what I'm talking about.

In any case, I'm going to be in Austin at this time tomorrow to find an apartment, sign a lease, and maybe calm myself down. Or maybe get a sunburn. I don't know what's going to happen. Maybe the heavy upper 90s temperatures will cause my insecurities to dry up and blow away. Or like, maybe not.

SHYNESS IS NICE & SHYNESS CAN STOP YOU FROM DOING ALL THE THINGS IN LIFE YOU'D LIKE TO

I think I'm getting over the growing up thing, at least for now. I'm adding the "at least for now" because I can easily imagine my 27-year-old self reading that line and sighing with shame. Because really, it's a pretty cheeky thing to say when you're 22. Still, though, my job and general living situation has changed many parts of me this year. I say "what the hey" when I mean "what the hell" and "oh shoot" instead of "oh shit." I can't help but create nostalgia from the messy, wrecked houses and friendships and costumes I used to occupy, even though I know that those things only constituted "a good time" in the most superficial way. That is to say that it was always someone else's idea of a good time, and not my own. Now I posess all of those symbols of mature decision making: the ability to pay my bills on time, the ability to save money, a tendency to throw around administrative speak like "tactical planning," responsible driving. I'm going to stop before this becomes one girl's "Fitter, Happier," because we all know that song is really about COMPLACENCY and not necessarily about taking care of yourself.

Also, I would never pour boiling water on the ants.