SARAH AND THE OPRAH WINFREY DENIM PANTS

My GAP friend Adolf told me that the Long & Lean jeans I was getting were Oprah's favorite jeans. Well, thanks, dude. Are you trying to say that I have an Oprah butt? Do you have any idea how emotionally draining it is to try on jeans? I don't have a problem with Oprah, but that isn't the most comforting thing to hear from a guy who is probably trying to be nice to me for commission.

But the joke's on you, Adolf, because I really like these jeans. Me and Oprah got it figured out.

I also opened a new bank account with PNC, got a new cell phone, and did the whole socks 'n underwear back to school thing. (By the way, I have a new cell phone number which I will never in the world give out on the Internet, but if you're one of my real-life friends you should drop me an e-mail if I don't call you in the next few days to sort it.)

My new cell phone is insane. I don't care how much credibility I lose for saying this, but it has crazy ringtones with hymns and famous classical themes set over fat beats. And it has an animated screen. Which I love.

At this rate I'll be getting that Von Dutch trucker hat in the mail by, oh, next Friday. Just in time for BACK TO COOL, son.