GO AND MOVE TO BROOKLYN WITH YOUR ACID WASH HAIRCUT

Why are there so many freshman? Why do so many of them, on first glance, look exactly like students from Governor's School? Maybe I should ask instead why I seem so crotchety and mean, or why I've suddenly taken to gumming on composition notebooks until they're nothing but a curd of chewed paper caught in my incisors.

Instead, I'll use my Virgo-Libra charm to snap up a widely unavailable job at the library's video collection and give out my phone number, plan my birthday party. Catch as much of this upbeat, catchy sarcasm while it's still fresh and (hopefully) charming.