WHAT MADE YOU THINK HE'D BELIEVE ALL YOUR LIES, AH-OOO
It occurs to me that it would be good to eventually 1) stop alienating people who are close to me and 2) do the right thing. I can't tell if I'm being too hard/unrealistic on myself here, or if I'm just feeling the need to be a person that I like. I think a lot of it is the latter rather than the former. My previous problems with depression have stemmed from circumstances that made me feel like I was a bad friend and therefore not worth much of anything, so it feels pretty important to wrangle this feeling into shape as much as possible. At least for my own good, not to mention the good of all the people who have to deal with me all the time. In other words, today's mission = stop fucking up.
Still, though, there are those times when I feel like I'm the perfect social animal, able to converse freely and wittily with everybody in sight. It's amazing when it happens; I feel sort of dizzy and things look blurry, but my face hurts from smiling and talking. In other words, when I'm on I'm on.
In other news, the darker hair has definitely had an impact on the way people talk to me. People I already know well give me the same treatment, but acquaintances and strangers treat me like some kittenish la-la-la-lady. I can't look absently into space without somebody catching my look and raising their eyebrows. It's ridiculous. Little old performative me. Also, the other night in Eat 'n Park my friend Mike ran into somebody he knew from high school. The guy looked over at the table Mike came from and said, "Hey, what's up with the goth chicks?" (meaning Carolyn and I). What? So . . . we have dark hair and wear red lipstick = goth? Puzzlement. Mike tells me that I'm more Uma Therman in Pulp Fiction than goth, which is okay by me. Fuck goth. We're zombie flygirls.
It occurs to me that it would be good to eventually 1) stop alienating people who are close to me and 2) do the right thing. I can't tell if I'm being too hard/unrealistic on myself here, or if I'm just feeling the need to be a person that I like. I think a lot of it is the latter rather than the former. My previous problems with depression have stemmed from circumstances that made me feel like I was a bad friend and therefore not worth much of anything, so it feels pretty important to wrangle this feeling into shape as much as possible. At least for my own good, not to mention the good of all the people who have to deal with me all the time. In other words, today's mission = stop fucking up.
Still, though, there are those times when I feel like I'm the perfect social animal, able to converse freely and wittily with everybody in sight. It's amazing when it happens; I feel sort of dizzy and things look blurry, but my face hurts from smiling and talking. In other words, when I'm on I'm on.
In other news, the darker hair has definitely had an impact on the way people talk to me. People I already know well give me the same treatment, but acquaintances and strangers treat me like some kittenish la-la-la-lady. I can't look absently into space without somebody catching my look and raising their eyebrows. It's ridiculous. Little old performative me. Also, the other night in Eat 'n Park my friend Mike ran into somebody he knew from high school. The guy looked over at the table Mike came from and said, "Hey, what's up with the goth chicks?" (meaning Carolyn and I). What? So . . . we have dark hair and wear red lipstick = goth? Puzzlement. Mike tells me that I'm more Uma Therman in Pulp Fiction than goth, which is okay by me. Fuck goth. We're zombie flygirls.
<< Home