Friday, October 06, 2006

DEAR SIENNA MILLER,
Let me begin with an apology: I'm so sorry that you decided to take a role in the adaptation of one of my favorite books of all time. It must be very difficult for you.

Still, I can't get over the fact that you did this to yourself. Believe me, when they called me up to chat about the casting, I had my doubts. I mean, I didn't want to push it too hard, but I can think of a lot of beautiful young women who would be perfect for a role in "The Mysteries of Pittsburgh." Myself, mainly. But I don't really blow my own horn like that, and I'm not an actress or anything. So here we are.

I guess you weren't paying attention last year when a Denver journalist dissed Pittsburgh in his sports column or whatever, and had to deal with a backlash the size of a city. Of course, Pittsburgh must be so far, utterly far, beneath your coke-sniffing radar or whatever, but still. You should have seen it coming. You've raised the ire, and I'm just warning you here: you're probably going to get spit on.

Even though I've moved to a different (and bigger) city, a place where actors routinely purchase second homes and are seen around, I'm still all Pittsburgh at heart. And this is what I've always said about people who don't like Pittsburgh: they must be too boring to figure out how to have fun. Pittsburgh isn't a place where you can buy your fun by spending lots of money on stupid shit. You have to make the fun yourself, with a camera and a smile and a willingness to not be a snotty little shithead of an actress.

Wearing black and gold even now,
Sarah

PS Don't you tell me about context!
PPS If you're really willing to repent, go to Pollock's on Liberty and buy beers for everybody. And then play Stevie Ray Vaughn on the jukebox.